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If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
has often thought that what doesn’t kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.