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I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour