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i want a cute boy to let me hold his hand and his credit card
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
I`m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting.
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.