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I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye