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My safe word is letsgetmarried.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.