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I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions...
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
Can I get likes for no reason?
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?