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Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
No way I’m the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
I`m an accident looking for a place to happen!
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I once dated a Rockette with Tourette`s. Talk about kicking and screaming!
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch