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You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
that strange moment when you get in the van and theres no candy...-Drew Balthaser
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.