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I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.