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I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
Exercise? More like extra fries.
Types of like on facebook: 1.Stalker like. 2.Crush like. 3.I wanna bang you like. 4.Agree like 5.Pity like.
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.