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Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
It’s not pretty being easy.