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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".
Iām holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
I dream about naps.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.