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Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.
yelling at the referee that he made a mistake has never worked, No Referee has never turned around and said, "Why yes your are right silly me I did make a mistake, penalty denied, goal kick"
Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.