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Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.