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Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb.
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
Don`t EVER break a pinky promise. That sh!t is LEGIT.
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.