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If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.