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Besides creating dinosaurs are mosquitos good for anything?
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...