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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I`ve got your back"
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye`s her roots black.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen