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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
drink beer ?? save water
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...