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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you`ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.