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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
Is it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I`m trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.