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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
Don`t Follow Me, I`m Lost Too
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
If I had a dollar for every time I had a nickel.......
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.