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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
New day, same old bullsh!t
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Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.