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Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn, went to 2 Birthday parties, ran 6 miles, then told a bunch of lies on Facebook.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
You being crazy doesn`t bother me. It`s you being crazier than me...That makes me freakin` jealous.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
If you love something,, let it go..... That`s EXACTLY what I`ve done with my body....
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.