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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
Instead of LOL, try SALTS ( smiled a little, then stopped)