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I don`t care about your status...
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.