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Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.