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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
The secret to success is in my bra.
If its true we`re here to help others, then what exaclty are the others here for?
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore