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Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant," will come back on "32 and a Grandma."
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.