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As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Billy Ray Cyrus made a million dollars at a playgirl photo shoot. He just started taking his clothes off and they paid him to put them back on.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.