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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
I was just watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury.. No worries, I should be okay in a couple of days..
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.