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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you