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Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Ill be in my office giving co-workers the silent treatment ..by sending them blank emails.
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.