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Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
You know what’s worse than slow internet? NOTHING.
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.