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You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I`m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news` annual turkey fryer accident story?
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."