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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.