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Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.