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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
Ever have the experience of staring at an outfit hanging in your closet and wondering which of the personalities did the shopping that day?
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
I`m only 30 lbs away from my New Year`s resolution to lose 20 lbs!!
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.