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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
I hate it when I put a status and you don`t like it,example this one.
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.