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I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.