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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.
If doing things was as easy as thinking about doing things I’d get a lot more done.
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn`t matter what. I just need something to drink to.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.