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Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
"Everybody freeze!" -December
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.