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Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
If you love someone, let them go, if they don`t come back..... Set them on fire *evil grin*
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
Smelling another person should be a choice.