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Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Gravity is a real downer.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
Tieam... problem solved
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.