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I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
God is creative... I mean look at me??
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.