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I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
Expect nothing and you`ll be impressed every day.
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?