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Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
University; It`s like being unemployed, but your parents are proud of you.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Does "who cares" count as advice?
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.