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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
has often thought that what doesn’t kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.