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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
He said the spark between us was gone..so I tasered him..... Ill ask him again when he wakes up
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”