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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.