Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.