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Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?