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FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.