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Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
EVERY Friday is good in my book!
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Hey, sorry I`m late ... I didn`t want to come
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.