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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
It`s amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there`s a pill available for it.
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.