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When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
Of course morning sex is better. You haven`t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
Personally, I think failure should be an option
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
AWESOME!
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.