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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?
Watching these gymnasts doing the balance beam is making me feel really bad about almost missing the couch.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.