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They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5