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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
Facebook where I am surrounded with people but still no one can see me biting my toe nails or picking my nose :-D
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.