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Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
If it was not for electricity, we would all be watching T.V. by candle light.
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.