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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. ...I sure hope they let me back in Walmart.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.