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Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...