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Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
Dyslexics are teople poo.. :|
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.