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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
Facebook is like Chinese food. When you think you had enough, you want more.
I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
facebook is the only book we read everyday.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.