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I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
Does this status update make me look fat?
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
Why would you live in a place where the air hurts your face?
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.