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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
If God didn`t want us to eat Animals he wouldn`t made them out of meat.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
Well, I`ve officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?