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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
stupidity is a privelege entitled to everyone but you my dear are abusing this right
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
I can`t remember if I have any repressed memories.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."