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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
thinks we need to think like a first grade teacher and separate Romney and Gingrich next time they debate!
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
This is not meant for you. Look away. STOP LOOKING AT IT! :)
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...