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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
is admitting to pushing Humpty Dumpty, he had it coming!!
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant….chocolate is a salad.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!