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One trenta cheeseburger please.
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.