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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
I look forward to the day that cell phone technology finally catches up with technology in digital watches and they release a model that is water resistant up to 100 meters.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you