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It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.