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Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending Iām being possessed by the devil is not funny.
The first sign of laziness:
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.