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Have you ever seen the look on a mans face when he is truly sorry? Yeah, me either!
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.