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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.