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I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..