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I`m going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
Sometimes it takes me 8 hours to get nothing done.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.