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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.