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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
This status has been censored by Facebook
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.