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Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it`s not arrived yet
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.