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If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time"............................... An often used phrase in a lot of my memories.
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.