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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.