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It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.
I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
Bitch, you`re just like monday, nobody likes you -_-
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.