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Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught the fish yet.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
oh look at the time, it`s time to not care
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing