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Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
If nobody comes from the future to stop you, how bad can the decision really be?