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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
on a scale of 1-10 how honest are you? I would say 10 but then i would be lying!
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.