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Have you hugged you bartender today.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.
"Oh!Look The Smurfs Grew Up!"Grandma those are Avatars." -_-