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I just passed the local college and saw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college.
The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
It’s ok if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
"Dont make me regret this!" is something I say to myself every time I accept a facebook friendship from a relative.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.