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What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.