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At least my motivation gets to sleep in.
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?