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I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Don`t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain`t.
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.