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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.