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Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
Work like you don`t have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?