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At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
I`m not mature enough to be in a yoga class.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…