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I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
I`m not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
The only part I like about doing laundry is saying I`ve got a big load
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
Yeah I`m married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT`S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.