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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
Don`t half a$$ it. It`s not a real nap unless you take your pants off.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.