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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
Valentines day
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......