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It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.
Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.