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You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!