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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
It would be cool if you heard a thunder bug a few seconds after you saw a lightning bug.
Sometimes I whisper, "I`m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world...
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.