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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
Workout Journal Day #5: Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned