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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
I wan`t you to know that someone cares. not me, but someone.
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
If you really can make $10,000 a month working from home why would anyone take the harder job of nailing those signs to trees?