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I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
One man`s sarcastic answer, is another man`s stupid question
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
I`ll be right with you, I`m busy being inappropriate on the internet.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)