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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
You never really know how many inches you`re gonna get or how long it`ll last. Snow, maybe.
My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
I only accept apologies in cash.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
Here walk a mile in my shoes. They`re giving me huge blisters.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook