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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."