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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
I’m watching this show on stalkers, still haven’t seen any of you yet.