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When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.