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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.