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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!