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What does Miley Cyrus have for dinner on Christmas? Twerky :`)
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.