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Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
Being an American is awesome. The end.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.