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This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
i think lady gaga puts glue on herself, and rolls around random items.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.