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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.