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The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
A hard thing about business is minding your own
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
Serving size ?? LMAO
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!