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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
llllllloooollllll...........................i saw a donkey on a bike
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
why me is me ?
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.