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Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.